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So I'm browsing the New England Reptile Expo website, and come across a list of exhibitors. I stumble upon Scott Crowe Reptiles. I do not know who Scott Crowe is, except a man who propegates bad ideas. I might even venture so far as to call him a dumbass for reguarly spending time with alligators, an animal that can kill the fuck out of stuff much larger than a human.

But Scott Crowe wants to show you the beauty of keeping alligators as pets. To facillitate this process, my man Scott has posted a series of videos on YouTube extolling the appeal of keeping gators as pets. In the first video, we see him warning potential purchasers of the potential size of reptiles. On the plus side of ownership, though, the website proclaims, "They are really cool to have though if you have room for one, there's nothing like watching these guys eat."

Then we move on to the second video, with mid-sized reptiles. We note the tattooed dudes poking around, till they fish a half eaten rat from the bottom of the warm pool where the gators reside. They throw the rat to a mean croc, and then proceed to wade into the warmed gator water. Yes, there's nothing cooler than having a 5,000 gallon room full of water continually warming the feces of your reptile friends. One of the dudes notes that a two and a half foot long gator did "some pretty good damage" when it bit his hand awhile ago. Then he pulls a gator by its tail, and holds its head down with a stick. This move supposedly demonstrates the size of the gator, but I prefer to think of it as some perverse freudian manifestation of some really unique personal problems.

Are we having fun with this pet yet?

We also see a discussion of gator personalities. A repdude holding a baby declares that with a lot of handling, your small gator will grow up into a gator that won't "give you any problems." In the next video, we see the same dude searching for one of his gator in the said 5,000 gallon warm poo cessspool / croc habitat as he declares, "this one used to try to kill me all the time." So, where's a gator that shows the benefits of this handling of baby gator that supposedly allows their personalities to flower? It doesn't matter, because we're moving on to the really big gator! The big gator is pissed to get pulled by the tail, but a repdude sits on top of it and uses his body weight to hold its mouth closed. The dude has to cover the gator's eyes to make it calm down. I guess because the gator doesn't try to pull anybody into a death roll, the repdude comments that this alligator "is being pretty good."

OMG, this is just like riding a pony, so fun!

Then, for the money shot, we see the largest gator living in the poo stew. To prove how badass he is, a repdude grabs the gator out of the water and manages to hold it sorta still while noting that in Massachusetts, they have to keep the gators' mouths covered when they present to school groups. I just do not understand the rationale behind that law. It makes about as much sense as gay marriage. The dude adds that "this thing could destroy me right now if it wanted to." Well, since gators live about 60 years, I guess it'll get that chance to have you for dinner when you are frail old men with out of date tattoos.

I mean, after 60 years of nothing but rats, a bet a human would taste pretty darn good.

At any rate, you've got to have a bit of sympathy for Scott Crowe. I'm pretty sure that Scott'll never get laid by anybody under the age of 40 (which could be a problem when he is like 50), or anybody who spends some first person quality time in the croc room. I could be wrong on this, but I sort of doubt it.